It's amazing that one minute you know you want something or can do something and the next minute you feel you are knee deep in kangaroo dung.  How can you ever know that you really want something until you've actually been immersed in it? Of course, you might think you want something because of the way others talk about it or by the way it looks to you on the outside, but you can only really want something after you've had it.

It's been a while

Crazy how much life changes a person after 6 months or so when not even trying.

Not sure life is real

Every day that passes, I find out another little tid bit about life that just doesn't seem normal. Should it really that way. It could be possible that I'm not normal and if that's the case..... fucking lock me up now! When a person gains a strong perception about something based on one single situational happening, I believe that could ruin any and/or all future situations or interactions. My mind tends to work too hard to contemplate and try to figure out people around me. I think I need to just let go and not care. After slowly beginning this with a small amount of people, I feel a lot better and it has given me some gratification. I don't think people like to view me as a 'shut in' person, but I kind of like to not share anything.... I'm not willing to tell all anymore! The more I do it, the more I don't give a god damn rat's ass about the people who are "sad and miss me." Fuck you. I don't owe anybody anything. Frankly, this goes for everyone... if you can't roll with me, then stay the fuck down.

Wow, that felt good! ;) The people I do love..... I love you tons, but you better except me for what I am or you'll lose me too!

Simple Complexities

I can see how a pindrop could change the turn of the future. One incident can change feelings, attitudes, all sensory actions; and yet could later go back to the same 'feelings' as before after another situation. One pause too long, one paused look, anything even misinterpreted. It's amazing that humans have managed to survive together for as long as we have. That's why animals are freer and better off; they don't have guilt, hatred, vengence... they do what they do to live and that's it... not cuz of anything else. The 10% of brain we supposadly use, probably isn't the better 10% we could have. Humans don't like themselves, although I've never heard a cat say, "Damn, I hate being a cat. WTF am I doing here?" They're just a cat. Animal "behavior" problems come about when humans came along....... does that tell you something? Humans can't find enough fault in themselves and each other, they must pass it on to every living being (and non-living being for that matter). We suck. hmmm

For Real??

My husband asked me today: do you want to go out tonight with your friends? For real?

There's coffee made out of dung from a small monkey animal? For real?

People say they don't make any money or don't pay their bills when they really get a chunk o' change in their account every month?! For real?

My daughter likes using the toilet everywhere else but my house, which causes me to buy pampers? For real?

It's hotter than shit and that makes me mad and sweaty and have headaches and moody and pissy and cranky and not want to give a piss? For real?

I have to give 5 samples of shit so the doctor can tell me why I have diarrhea and then as soon as I have those containers to collect shit, I can't poop!!! For real?

For the fuck real???

FO SHO

Stress

Can stress really cause sickness? I guess it could. Food also can, as well as many other things. Why am I always sick? It doesn't seem right. I could cut out my intestines, but then my food would just come shooting out my stomach... I don't think that would be any more attractive than my IBS issues. It seems weird to think that I would rather have raging diarrhea than be constipated, but anyone who has had both, I would rather have it exiting my body, than it posting camp on my insides. Either way, it fucking sucks. Do I dare go anywhere when I know I'm having a flare up..... I might kill 800 people with my deadly disease. It's possible, don't think it couldn't happen. It's amazing what this fat ass is capable of. Damn... TMI, but who cares?!

Faults

Can one truly comprehend their own faults, or are they just in denial. I want to know what my faults are, please tell me. It may be harsh, but fucking tell me. In attempt to shed some light for someone, I was blunt and expressed to someone their own fault and instead of accepting it, they turned their fault onto me. I guess, that was easier to do, because in doing so, then they didn't have to own it, it was now my fault to own with them. That being said, do I own that fault truly, or do I deny it being they were just upset at hearing their own fault. In doing so, I could just be doing the opposite of what I just said one should not do. Do I accept it for what it is or just throw it out as a mistake? Wow.... that was an existential (sp?) moment! In many ways, I feel I know my faults since I have pesimestic views on many things, including myself and my abilities (that way I am never let down...). Although, I feel I can see others faults quite clearly, although with my "issues" (diagnosed or undiagnosed) it depends on the person. I tend to idolize certain people and they do little wrong... others do many things wrong and to me, that is okay and I can accept that; they however do not (when they hear it from me, of course). Those people, I tend to have no feelings toward and my thoughts for them waver on a day to day basis... whether I will tolerate them or not. Hmmm... it must suck for those people. I'm pretty harsh sometimes.